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Things I Didn't Want To Know

by Kathy Buckworth

Those of us over the age of 16 know there are many terrible things about growing old. Back fat and unwanted chin hairs pop immediately to mind. Conversely, one of the great benefits of growing old is supposed to be that we become wise and more knowledgeable. Frankly, however, there are many things I didn't want to know that I have unfortunately learned in my forty-ish years. Stop reading if you are afraid to know them, too.

If you purchase ready-grated cheese (one of the greatest inventions of this century besides pre-crushed garlic), you have in fact paid someone $80 an hour to grate that cheese. I didn't want to know that. And now you know it -- sorry.

Apparently 94 percent of children are toilet-trained by the time they are 3-years-old. Well that's just fantastic isn't it? My 3-year-old is that special six percent and I'll be surprised if we're any closer to success by birthday number four. Yet another rung on the ladder to pre-school success that he is slipping on.

By my own calculation, it costs 25 percent more to do your grocery shopping online than in the store. Crap. I hate grocery shopping, but I hate wasting money, too. I try to justify continuing with my mad on-line behaviour by pretending that I don't buy as many impulse items this way. Perhaps.

A terrible discovery I made recently is that thong underwear looks a million percent better under pants than normal (i.e. comfortable) underwear does. If you haven't yet converted, buy one pair of thong underwear, put on your favourite pants, do the waist twist to look at your own behind in the mirror, and then try the same test with your regular white cottons. You'll see. They're not comfortable AT ALL but people look at your butt; particularly the women you don't like.

Flossing is good for you. I know, we all hear it all the time at each dental appointment and I wish I could tell you otherwise, but you really must floss every day, at least once. Sucks.

Laundry does not do itself. There are no self-cleaning toilets on the horizon and your sheets need changing.

If a child poos anywhere other than a toilet and you're the only adult around, you own it. Even if they manage to poo in a toilet, you may still own some of it.

Unlike a face lift, which can cause normal, otherwise good-looking people to resemble space aliens (see Joan Rivers and Burt Reynolds for examples), apparently there is no such thing as a bad looking tummy tuck. It makes people look better. If I had the money and the pain threshold (you'd think so after four children -- but no) I would do it.

People who exercise and eat properly look better than people who don't, with the possible exception of Cameron Diaz, who reports to do neither. (I hear she has zits.)

Kathy Buckworth is at work on her second book Journey to the Darkside: SuperMom Goes Home. Her first book, The Secret Life of SuperMom is available a bookstores everywhere. Come hear Kathy speak at a Moms in the City New Mommy Luncheon on April 19. Topic: From SuperMom to SuperBored: Making the transition from busy working mom to stay at home mom.

What's new at Moms in the City?

Upcoming Luncheons

Wednesday, March 08: Winning the Food Fight: Your guide to raising a happy, healthy child; speaker: Dr. Joey Schulman

Wednesday, March 15: Nanny 411: Everything you need to know about hiring a nanny; speaker: Dani Katz, Wee Care Placements

Wednesday, March 29: Why Our Children Misbehave - and what to do about it; speaker: Alyson Schafer, renowned parenting expert

Art Gallery Tours

Thursday, March 23: By Design at the Design Exchange
Thursday, April 06: Textile Museum

Friday, April 28: AGO NEW!

Health and Beauty

Friday, March 31: Find your Equilibrium: Afternoon at the Spa

Monday, April 24: Saving Face; Aveda Skin Care Workshop (moms only!) NEW!

Be a part of the Mommy and Baby Fitness Walk for SickKids Foundation.

When and Where? March 26, 9:00am

Vaughan Mills (Hway 400 & Rutherford)